Why Can’t You Have Both?: Theorizing Compulsory Monogamy and its Influences upon Polyamorous Identities and Experiences

Compulsory monogamy, theorized from compulsory heterosexuality, is the normalization of the single dyad by means of violence towards consensual nondyadic relational configurations for the purposes of maintaining monogamy’s power. With compulsory monogamy as the undercurrent, the formation of the polyamorous identity must weave through its grasps and carve pathways towards the full embodiment of polyamory. The purpose of this dissertation is to both recognize where the current conceptualization of compulsory monogamy manifests within people who are newly developing their polyamorous identity or exploring polyamorous experiences, and to understand the process people go through of unbecoming monogamous and becoming polyamorous. This dissertation utilizes both autoethnographic accounts of the researcher’s own polyamorous journey and stories from polyamorous people all around the world. Thirteen polyamorous people participated in semi-structured in-depth interviews where they were asked about their early polyamorous experiences and to tell stories of their process of unlearning elements of monogamy and embracing polyamory while simultaneously grappling with the presence of compulsory monogamy. Several themes were uncovered upon analysis of these stories, including tension with the normative, understanding what polyamory and relationships are, and the process of coming into one’s identity from living and embodying a previously monogamous life. Polyamory is a learn-by-doing, mix-and-match approach to relationships without a blueprint to follow and aspects of relationships are pulled together to form a relationship unique to the people involved. What is gained from a journey through uncertainty, risk, and possibly trauma and violence is a sense of comfort, community, and peace.